I can assure you this post isn’t dedicated to “Star Wars”. I have been such a great fan of the movie but I decided that the title would be very suitable for describing how a guide can revenge when his/her tourists get on the nerves during a trip. So, here are several humble pieces of advice for you, unhuman beings with nerves of steel, which will help you cope with a very difficult situation.
Prepare a “photobombing” for them: If you have brought them to enjoy the most beautiful sunset at night, just play a practical joke on them. Simply put yourself accidently and purposely into the view of their photographs and say Cheeseeeee frowning your face like an idiot as much as you can. Thus your tourists will be really “pleasantly” surprised once they come back home and want to show their pics to their families.
Take photos of them: Being on the topic of photography, take photos of your travellers. Go very close to them, make the necessary settings on your phone or digital camera aaaaaand taaakeee a passport-style photoooo of them. Then, just say: “Voilà, my dear. This is a perfect photo for facebook.”
Tell them that a celebrity has just passed by them: “Jesus, isn’t this George Clooney over there? Oooo My Goood, definitely he is.” Your “beloved” tourists always hope to see him in real somewhere, so they will just turn their heads in order to enjoy his presence. At that very moment you will be feeling extremely fabulous because you’ve already put your plan in action: “Gosh … he has just got into that car over there and you are not able to see him anymore. Don’t give up and try again next time” 😀 Just a quick note here. Be sure that your tourists won’t miss the chance to boast when they come back from the excursion, saying “Do you know whom I met during the excursion? Yesssssssss …. George Clooney. He is so handsome in real. We talked and talked, and talked.” 😀
Give wrong directions: Tourists always ask for monuments and places worth visiting. They also want to try local cuisine in the best locals in the town. So, give them wrong directions. Tell them to turn to the right instead of the left. Also advise them to take the chance to have lunch at the “best” restaurant which is actually, a dark hole or the other option for them is “the Big Yellow M”. Wandering here and there will be fun for the whole family. Eating the “global food” they have also in their countries will make them feel at home. 😀
Talk to them using stereotypes: Using stereotypes is always useful but sometimes it could be very irritating. So, if you wanna have revenge on your tourists, just ask them some very, very ordinary questions and then make some very stereotyped comments. For example, ask them where they are from. If they are from Italy, just answer like this: “Buongiorno, spaghetti men”. Or they are from Greece, comment like this: “Ha, your friends in Hellas must be the Ancient Greek Gods”.
Examine them: In my previous post I mentioned that tourists ought to help their guides demonstrate their knowledge and share their experience by “interrogating” them. Keep calm and try to answer their questions, sometimes using your sense of humour. Don’t get irritated by the repetition of the same questions either because … because you might change the direction of your talks anytime and start examining your tourists. Thus you will make them feel very uncomfortable, i.e. you will make them feel like tourists.